The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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And so it is with sex. There are many different sexual activities you could potentially do with a partner, if you were both up for it. There are probably some things you really want to do, some things you’re not massively into, but would be willing to do if your partner was really into them, and other things you would not be willing to do, however much your partner wanted to. Similarly your partner will have their own lists of things they want to do, things they are willing to do, and things they are not willing to do. In every exchange one person will be giving, one person will be receiving. One person will also be doing, and one person will be done-to. But, contrary to what we’re used to thinking, the fact that you are doing something, does not necessarily mean you are giving. Creating agreements

The Wheel of Consent also applies to non-touch situations. Here’s an example: I ask Sally to come with me to a friend’s party, and Sally replies, ‘Yes, I will’. Now let’s consider ‘Who is this for?’ Here are four possibilities: Many people take this workshop to clarify and enhance their personal or intimate lives. The Wheel of Consent is great for that! What surprises them is how much it affects the rest of their lives too. The Wheel is also an embodied practice, which uses breath and awareness to help develop more noticing of our feelings and body sensations. We do this so that when we are giving we can be sure it’s something the other person wants to receive and that we are willing to give it, with a whole heart, without resentment or burnout. In turn, when we are receiving, we are sure it is something we want and that the other is willing to give, so that we can practice relaxing and accepting the gift into our core. To get the most out of our intimacy we first need to get really clear about what we want, how to trust what we want, how to value it and then to ask for our needs to be met in a way that is clear and clean. When we add one or more other people into the equation, each of whom are also trying to get their needs met and using the less-than-helpful guesswork-performance-telepathy-pleasing approach, everything can get a bit unclear. This is what makes consent so exciting. It’s this idea that if we can work through our shyness of talking about our wants and desires, of trusting that neither you or your partner(s) are weird and that you can talk about this stuff, consent can be very fun and very sexy!

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to create the world we want to live in, where people are connected to self, others and the earth. Our Values The dynamics shown above describe interactions which are happening with the full, informed consent of both people – i.e. with awareness of both who is doing, and who it is for. The Wheel of Consent® can also describe what happens without consent: Perhaps I’m attracted to John, and would enjoy touching his leg for that reason (the touch is for me). Value what we have noticed – in other words, recognising that this process of establishing ownership over our own body is important;

There are also some questions which might originate from any of quadrants, e.g. "Can we try something new?" or “Can we stop now?” Challenge patterns of pleasing others or crossing over their own boundaries. To safely practice articulating their ‘no’.Teaches you the four quadrants of the Wheel – how to find them, feel them in your body, and see where they can take you This is a good question! With all the emotions often associated with sex, such as excitement or anxiety to please the other, it can sometimes be difficult for people to distinguish between what they want to do, what they are willing to do, and what they are not willing to do. This is particularly true if they have got into the habit of ‘going along with’ certain kinds of touch - either because they think it’s what their partner wants, or because their social conditioning (e.g. related to power imbalance, or their gender) has trained them to do that. Video on playing the 3 Minute Game is here: http://bettymartin.org/how-to-play-the-3-minute-game/) Diagram of The Wheel of Consent